Have you ever lost something that meant a lot to you? I know I have in life. I have lost significant people, some friends, and many dreams. These losses many times have been resolved and make sense, even if it takes some time for me to see reasons for losses in life. There is one loss I experienced though, that hit me emotionally like a ton of bricks. It is something that is physically small and until it was gone, I didn’t realize the magnitude of how something this small could shake me to the core. I lost my wedding ring. Even putting the words on this page is difficult because the internal battle of emotions that I experience in this grief is between denial, shock, and acceptance daily. Every day I experienced a physical reminder of the loss of this significant piece of jewelry, and I struggled to not become completely unraveled. When I have experienced grief in the past, as I mentioned, it is many times resolved and I can manage to make sense of the loss, but this loss was different; let me explain. I was sick and within the week of being sick and medicated, I lost my ring. I didn’t realize it for a few days since I was so under the weather and when I did, I didn’t panic, but figured it was someplace “typical” and that it would be found. Since that day, I have searched our house high and low, turning the place upside down and have desperately contacted all places I was from the time I knew I had it last (there was physical evidence in a picture) to when I noticed it was absent. I have struggled to remember my actions during the week of sickness and do not have any recalled memory of removing my ring (which is tight and wouldn’t be able to just fall off). In this grieving time, I fought tirelessly with the many presenting thoughts and voices within and grew in my understanding of & empathy for others who have experienced unresolved grief as well as how to regulate my own emotions.
Regulation of emotions is something that I have historically struggled with, along with battling voices within that negatively speak to my core. Within this grieving the voices and messages that surfaced were difficult to cope with & deeply painful.
“This isn’t something big. This is something so small, so why are you such a mess?”
“You did this. Why can’t you remember what you did. You are losing your mind.”
“You can’t have anything nice.”
“A ring is just a belonging. It doesn’t really change anything. Many people don’t have their rings. Don’t lose your mind or get so upset over this.”
The longer that it has been, the more brutal these internal messages started to become as small day to day difficulties and “bumps” happened.
“I am just crazy. I can’t keep anything straight.”
“I just mess everything up.”
“I am the blame. There isn’t anyone else to blame. I just did this to myself.”
“You really can’t have nice things.”
“You just lose everything.”
“This is stupid. I’m stupid. This is something small and you shouldn’t be this upset.”
“You don’t know anything.”
As these internal messages grew, it became harder for me to cope with them and battle with their impact on my emotions. I found myself breaking and all I wanted was to feel all my feelings and have answers, but I felt so stupid for the feelings that I was having & how crazy I felt for not knowing. A couple weeks into this grieving period, I had a friend encourage me to step outside of the difficult feelings and to look at what God may be teaching my family in this time. I also was reading a book, Emotionally Health Spirituality by Peter Scazerro (which I highly recommend), and there was a challenge to take notice of the emotions that present and to ask God what he is teaching me through the emotions. These two concepts caused me to begin seeing my grief in different light. I began to work on allowing space for the message within that said “These feelings aren’t small and stupid. This loss isn’t stupid or small and really is significant and matters.” I began to accept for myself that the feelings of loss that I was experiencing actually were valid. My ring is valid and very significant and highly symbolic in my life. There are memories throughout many years tied to this small piece of jewelry and it isn’t something that can ever be replaced completely. My ring may be small, but the importance of it in my life is unlike many things. My physical body and mind both knew this, but I had trouble admitting this within and understanding it.
I experienced dreams where I was widowed and remarrying people whom I loved in the past, almost had a couple panic attacks that only subsided after I frantically tore another part of my home apart only to find no ring, and had many fits of crying and angry outbursts. This is not what I wanted to be experiencing or dealing with. I realized that I do have skills to know how to regulate, but as I have many times in life, I wasn’t using them. I leaned into my skills set that I use daily with clients and began openly processing my grieving experience. I didn’t want to do this and I had to fight many parts inside myself that resisted me validating through openly admitting my most difficult emotions and feelings. My daughter put words to why this happens, “when you are sad and angry, you don’t want to talk or let it out, but if you do it helps you not blow up inside.”
Despite internal resistance, I began to talk. I verbalized my emotions and what was impacting these feelings underneath. I processed my knowledge of faultiness in my thoughts, and verbally validated why they were present. I made connections to past wounds that fueled my thoughts. I admitted and examined each of the emotions & thoughts that were present giving room for them to exist. Sadness. Deep pain. Anger. Disappointment. Shame. Blame. Frustration. Hurt. Helplessness. Fear. Panic. Invalidation of self. I looked within to the most painful things I was experiencing and spoke to each part and shared understanding with it and acceptance for why it was presenting in my life. I recognized the protection measures that these parts were taking, but also addressed them and let them know that I, my Self, has ability to navigate these feelings and be safe when feeling and giving room to these most difficult emotions. As I verbally processed these internal conversations, I cried and I remained calm. I wasn’t yelling, I wasn’t frustrated, but gently and calmly gave myself permission to lean into the discomfort that comes when feeling these emotions. In this process, I realized how much God has and continues to teach me in these emotions. I realized how He taught our children about marriage and its significance, about emotions, and about loss. It caused them to be curious and more open in communication. This journey isn’t finished and I wish there were a happy ending, but life doesn’t always present us with these and we have to learn how to lean into the hardships and uncomfortable feelings. When we journey into these core shifting spaces, God is present. He is always present and no matter how deep or painful, He is there with us in these places. When we give knowledge to his presence and open our eyes to see Him next to us, there is indescribable peace that surpasses our understanding, and we can rest. This is a peace that provides comfort despite pain.
Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. – John 14:27
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7
“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.” – Matthew 6:6 (MSG)
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. – Psalm 90:14
